Christmas Past

I never really thought there would be a day that a Mariah Carey Christmas song provoked a deep & meaningful revelation, on my part. But…last week…it did.

There were a  few years ago (2005 & 2006 to be exact) that all the lonely Christmas songs were my anthem. See, those were the years Tyson & I were in a long distance relationship. He was in Cali doing the navy thing, I was in NY…working 50+ hours a week at Picture People. (ahhh the Christmas rush!) I missed him something terrible in November & December. I love getting ready for Christmas, and those 2 years the prep was filled with doubt. We often wouldn’t find out if Tyson would be granted leave until a couple weeks before Christmas. (And even then we didn’t know if he’d be granted leave the weeks of Christmas & New Years, or the two weeks before/after.) Of course once he was granted leave, the mad rush was on to get plane tickets.

Those were the days that I just missed being around him. I missed his face. The two weeks we would get in December & November would be all the time we would get, until, we didn’t know when. (In January of 2007 he deployed.) When I sit back & think about it, I was so lonely then. Nothing really to what I now would call ‘lonely’.

Flash forward to 2010. One of those lonely Christmas songs, which was my theme song, came on the radio and I finally listened to the words for the first time since 2006. All those emotions I had 4 years ago came flooding back to me. My heart ached, like it did at nights as I would fall asleep. I was on the verge of tears remembering those years. It was such relief to realize where we are today. Together, preparing for our baby’s first Christmas. We might not make the money we’d like, have our own house or even be able to spend our evenings together…but we have come a very long way.

It must be that I forget how it really felt. Those days I would promise myself to never forget where we came from, and how hard those first 2 years were. I still haven’t forgotten. Though nights now while he’s working and I’m sleeping, I miss him. I remind myself, I get to see him in the morning, get a kiss & hug and a short conversation as we cross paths. I get to spend time with him on the weekend and share the same bed with him. Heck, I share the same time zone with him. Things may not be ideal now, but they are markedly improved.