1 Down, 100 to Go!

I get to cross off my first 101 in 1001!! I went somewhere in NY I’ve never been.

A few weeks ago Tyson, G & I went hiking at a state park not too far from us.

Originally I had not intended for this trip to count towards my 101. When I jotted down going somewhere new in the state, I meant a part of the state I’d never really been (Long Island or the Catskills being at the top of the list). But this state park ended up being a beautiful hike.

There were pretty incredible bluffs carved out by Lake Ontario.

We were able to play on a stone beach – the water was clear & blue, the sky was beautiful & bright and the sound of the waves was so peaceful. It reminded us very much of our trip to Acadia National Park.  

We even spotted 2 bald eagles, and I was able to shoot a picture of one of them. (Not the best shot though, I did not have my zoom lens with me.)

I knew I could count this as being somewhere I’d never been, when Tyson was looking over the pictures and said “If you didn’t tell anyone, they’d never know this place was actually in Upstate New York”. I know I sure didn't...and I LIVE HERE.

Even though I've checked this off my "list", there are still plenty more adventures to be had in NY.

I Don't Fit In

It's no secret that being in the military means uncertainty, jumping through hoops and perfecting the art of hurry up & wait. I knew all of this. However, my previous experience with it was very hands off. I felt very detached.
When Tyson was in the Navy I felt as if I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't a wife. I was a girlfriend or a fiance'. If something had ever happened to him, his mother would have gotten the news...not me. Not only was I just a fiance', I didn't even live in the same time zone, let alone get real exposure to military life.

I was able to visit his base in California twice. But lets be honest, I only got to see him every 3-4 months...I certainly was not focused on my surroundings while I was there.

Here we are at Round 2. I'm re-learning the uncertainty, the hoops, the hurrying & waiting. But this time it's different. I'm a wife. And a mom.
I realized the other day that I classify myself as a military wife. Look to the left of the screen and you'll even see that's the first thing I mention in my profile. I can tell you, it's not intentional, it is not to make myself sound special. I am proud of our military, I am proud of my family's history with the military. I, myself, would never have the guts to do it myself...so to say my husband is involved gives ME great pride. But to be part of this group is so overwhelming. There are so many other women out there who give SO MUCH MORE than me. I often feel ashamed of myself to even consider classifying myself with these wives who keep house, work & raise their children while their husbands are in harms way for 15 months.
I really feel like I don't fit in.

Do you ever have moments where you can link an ongoing feeling to an exact moment in time. While I was cooping with Tyson's very first time being on the ship, I found a navy SO message board. I never felt more like I didn't belong than I did on this board. Because I wasn't a wife. And now I'm a wife and I have no one else to belong WITH.

Tyson's national guard - not full-time active duty. And he's not just any national guard, he's air national guard. Do you know how many blogs & message boards there are for air national guard wives? None. At least that I've found.

I am desperate to make the most of this. To walk into this move with high spirits and only a handful of butterflies in my stomach. But I cannot shake the feeling that every single person on that base in Mississippi will think that I don't belong there. I have fears that everytime I flash my ID to get onto base, to go home, that they'll see right through me. (What I'm so afraid they'll find I'm not sure of...) Right now I have plans to NEVER leave base without Tyson, so I don't have to face security on my own. (Rational thinking, and a genius plan...don't you think??)

We still have no date, or even know what month this will all begin. There are always more invisible hoops that appear only after you've cleared the previous hoops and think you're beginning to see your destination. I have more time for this all to settle in. But I still can't shake that 'first lunch period, on the first day of high school and I don't know which table to sit at' feeling.

In case anyone was wondering WHERE this post came from. I got my military ID today. I'm officially a military wife. And the picture isn't half bad either.

Books, Books and More Books!

The better part of this morning was spent on Goodreads.com. (Don't worry, I worked more than I spent on there....I think....)

This site is awesome. I used to keep a small notebook in my purse to jot down book titles when I came across one that sounded interesting. But the notebook is MIA. So more recently I've taken to writing them down on post-it notes. And I'm pretty sure I've already lost one of them.
With this new discovery I have some place to keep a running list of all the books I want to read. Which is AWESOME. As of Noon, I had 81 books on my "to read" list.

If only I could find that notebook and add those titles, before it sprouts legs and runs away again. (Perhaps it's having an affair with my glasses, which have been missing for 2 months.)

Of course now I am convinced that I don't read nearly enough (which I don't) and that I must start doing so (which I really should). I'm learning that this blog seems to be a place where I over promise my time to some new obsession I've found. I really should figure out how to make changes in my life and STICK to it.

Perhaps I should find a book on that, add it to my list and read that first.

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day.

I often struggle with this day, for reasons that I should not and will not get into on a public blog. Though it's no secret that my father was not in my life until I was 8...and even then wasn't a regular part of my life until I was 13. So let your imagination run wild with that.

But onto happier times. There is little in my life now that gives me more joy than watching G with her Daddy.

The past couple weeks have been tough for us with Tyson's work schedule. G has definitely let her Daddy know, somedays, that she is not happy with him. But then there are the days when she will drop anything she's involved in (including snack time) the minute the words "Daddy's home", come out of my mouth. To watch her run towards the front door jabbering "Da, Da, Da, Da!!"....makes all our "issues" meltaway.

She is definitely Mama's girl, but there are the times she gives her Daddy a big hugs or gets to play a little more rough with him than I let her...and that's what Daddy's are for.

Somedays it's a daunting thought to know I'm raising a daughter with my husband, without having been exposed to that family dynamic when I was a young child. Often wondering if we're doing this right. But watching a Father-Daughter relationship form right before my eyes is beautiful & breath taking.

  

      



We celebrated Tyson's Day by going to Bass Pro, lounging around on the party barge's & pretend we actually had the money to buy one, and then I cooked steaks for dinner, done in his favorite marinade. (The intent was to grill the steaks, but I forgot the propane tank went camping with my grandparents. So I'm happy to report my first attempt at broiling steaks went very well!) Happy Belated Father's Day to all the dads out there. Whether Biological, Step, Adoptive, Foster or otherwise.

So about that last post...

I just can't stay away. Notice how LONG that promised break was?

I often find myself thinking about something, or doing something, or thinking about doing something and I tell myself that I could put that on my blog.

But of course, I never get around to it. It seems as though this blog serves as a constant reminder of what I don't get done. That wears on me. The mental list I have of things that I don't get done, is really wearing me out.

I'll get honest for a minute - the evenings have been frustrating for me, and that is normally the time I would blog. Tyson works late (sometimes getting home around 9:00) and G is entering a frustrating stage of pulling everything she can out of everywhere she can. While also insists on screaming & hanging on me the entire time I cook dinner. It's just not a fun place to be. I struggle every night to keep my wits about me. To not get frustrated with G, because I know she's acting the way she does because SHE's frustrated. Though her Daddy's been home, she hasn't seen him since Sunday night. And she knows that I'm frustrated and tired. That after a long day of working and driving to & from home, work & the sitter, I would much rather order a pizza and play outside with her new pool, instead of making a good, healthy, inexpensive, home cooked meal and watch everyone melt to pieces.

So as much as I think about this blog as a measure of what I don't accomplish, it's also a healthy dose of a reminder. It helps me to keep in mind those things I wish to accomplish and work towards. To remind me of the mother & wife I want to grow into and be able to express that here. Not accomplishing things is not always a bad thing - it's called having goals. And where would we all be if we had all of our goals accomplished.

Of the other blogs I read, it always seems like THOSE Moms have it together. They have areas of life to focus on, to write about and to have diligent readers who read their thoughts. I just feel like a.giant.mess. No direction, just kind of floating around in waiting land. I have one baby, I'm not an expert parent with multiple kids, I don't have a house to decorate, or my own kitchen to cook an elaborate meal in. I'm a military wife, but the one that no one ever thinks about. The one in waiting. Waiting for the move, for the military life to start. I have "green" tendancies & thoughts, but I rarely put them into action. (I'm sure the not having my own house & land has something to do with that.) So really...I struggle with this blogs identity, because I struggle with my own identity. I know who I am, I'm just not quite fulfilling all of who I am.

Just as I am I constant work in progress, so is this little slice of internet here. For all 3 1/2 of those that read it.

All I can do is keep trying. And learn to not feel so guilty all the time. I do my best, and that should be plenty to be proud of.

Ta Ta For Now

I think I'm going to take another break from this blogging thing.
There's just so much else going on right now - that the only time I can find to blog is while at work - and that's just not right on my part. In many ways.

I may still do something sporatic here & there, especially has a start to make a dent in my 1001 in things. But that could be it for awhile.

Hopefully as some things start to calm down, and we finally begin to move onto our new adventure, then things will start to pick up around here again. But since like 3 1/2 people read this, I figured it wouldn't be a big loss to the internet. ;)