I Don't Fit In

It's no secret that being in the military means uncertainty, jumping through hoops and perfecting the art of hurry up & wait. I knew all of this. However, my previous experience with it was very hands off. I felt very detached.
When Tyson was in the Navy I felt as if I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't a wife. I was a girlfriend or a fiance'. If something had ever happened to him, his mother would have gotten the news...not me. Not only was I just a fiance', I didn't even live in the same time zone, let alone get real exposure to military life.

I was able to visit his base in California twice. But lets be honest, I only got to see him every 3-4 months...I certainly was not focused on my surroundings while I was there.

Here we are at Round 2. I'm re-learning the uncertainty, the hoops, the hurrying & waiting. But this time it's different. I'm a wife. And a mom.
I realized the other day that I classify myself as a military wife. Look to the left of the screen and you'll even see that's the first thing I mention in my profile. I can tell you, it's not intentional, it is not to make myself sound special. I am proud of our military, I am proud of my family's history with the military. I, myself, would never have the guts to do it myself...so to say my husband is involved gives ME great pride. But to be part of this group is so overwhelming. There are so many other women out there who give SO MUCH MORE than me. I often feel ashamed of myself to even consider classifying myself with these wives who keep house, work & raise their children while their husbands are in harms way for 15 months.
I really feel like I don't fit in.

Do you ever have moments where you can link an ongoing feeling to an exact moment in time. While I was cooping with Tyson's very first time being on the ship, I found a navy SO message board. I never felt more like I didn't belong than I did on this board. Because I wasn't a wife. And now I'm a wife and I have no one else to belong WITH.

Tyson's national guard - not full-time active duty. And he's not just any national guard, he's air national guard. Do you know how many blogs & message boards there are for air national guard wives? None. At least that I've found.

I am desperate to make the most of this. To walk into this move with high spirits and only a handful of butterflies in my stomach. But I cannot shake the feeling that every single person on that base in Mississippi will think that I don't belong there. I have fears that everytime I flash my ID to get onto base, to go home, that they'll see right through me. (What I'm so afraid they'll find I'm not sure of...) Right now I have plans to NEVER leave base without Tyson, so I don't have to face security on my own. (Rational thinking, and a genius plan...don't you think??)

We still have no date, or even know what month this will all begin. There are always more invisible hoops that appear only after you've cleared the previous hoops and think you're beginning to see your destination. I have more time for this all to settle in. But I still can't shake that 'first lunch period, on the first day of high school and I don't know which table to sit at' feeling.

In case anyone was wondering WHERE this post came from. I got my military ID today. I'm officially a military wife. And the picture isn't half bad either.