I had already anticipated that all day I'd look at the clock and have vivid memories of what was going on a year ago at that time. That around 4:00-5:00pm things would begin to get fuzzy as that's the point I reached the "transition temper tantrum phase". What I hadn't expected is that as I would get those flashes of memories, I'd be encouraging myself. To breath through the contraction, to get through that push...that there's so much more to look forward to than just holding that little baby. You have this amazing little girl to look forward to.
I had not anticipated that my voice would quiver as we'd start to sing the first line of "Happy Birthday"...and I wonder if anyone else noticed.
At night, when I rock G while she drinks her nighttime bottle, is usually when emotions flood me. All the maternal emotions of how amazing this creature is. What a great gift God has given me. Tonight is no different. Yet it was so easy to compare, and become nostalgic. A year ago I was nursing her for the first time, not giving her a bottle of formula/cow milk mix. And when she snuggles on my shoulder for a couple minutes before being laid down, that a year ago she fit perfectly on my chest in a little bundle....her arms & legs didn't drape around my whole body. As my silent tears begin to flow, letting myself mourn the loss of her "babyhood"...I feel a little hand pat my shoulder. And I know I've got an amazing little girl to look forward to. And really, those 11, 2 & 5am feedings...weren't all that fun.
Then G pushes away from my chest, and waves good-bye. Telling me it's time to turn out the light, turn on her cd player and lay her down for the night.
At exactly 8:20 pm my little girl is a year old! I think I may have to sneak back into her room, and give her one more goodnight kiss to officially celebrate her birth.
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